dying, returning, dying and so on.

so the last two movies i’ve watched have dealt heavily with the idea of reincarnation. i don’t believe in coincidences, so i’m trying to figure out what i think this means. i used to think it was such a weird concept, that someone could return in a different body but maintain their essence… but i guess with getting older, i realize how little the body defines the person. and it seems more true every year that there is nothing new under the sun. reincarnation makes sense to me.

i just realized that yesterday was the one year anniversary of heath ledger’s death. i guess i never really felt sorry for him, because i suspect that he just went to sleep and didn’t wake up, and it was painless, and it was an accident. what i do feel sorry about is that matilda ledger is never going to know her dad. i don’t think there are very many situations that could be more sad than that. when i was researching haircuts, i decided i really liked michelle williams’ hair, so i was looking at a lot of pictures of her to find one i could use as a reference. i came across this picture of her and heath ledger:

it’s so funny and so sad at the same time.

the first day of the rest of our lives.

obviously, today is important. but does anyone fully grasp how big this moment is? i am a living, breathing part of history happening, and that is a weird and humbling feeling.

i don’t have a tv at my house, so i went to my school and watched the inauguration in our auditorium, along with hundreds of other students and faculty. it was kind of incredible, all of us coming together to celebrate coming together, and being one together. the inauguration was beautiful… i really loved elizabeth alexander’s poem, and how she asked that seemingly stupid but entirely profound question, “what if the strongest word is LOVE?” this is so much what we need.

when the inauguration was over, all of us in the room ended up singing “amazing grace” together. that sounds really cheesy, i’m sure, but it was really unifying and poignant.

when i left the auditorium, i walked down to the canal for a cigarette and started singing “america, the beautiful” to myself. again, that probably sounds cheesy, but i was feeling, and still feel, so triumphant and so hopeful in that cold foggy air, like things are going to start looking up. even the ducks in the canal were honking in celebration.

adventuring.

since the weather was so pleasant and so many of our friends left seattle for the three-day weekend, josh and i decided to go on an adventure yesterday. we had batted around a few ideas of places we could go (cascade loop, chuckanut drive, etc.) but couldn’t decide, so we opted to just get on i-5 north and see what we came up with.

we got up to everett and saw a sign for marine view drive, which sounded promising, so we drove out that way. the sun was sitting low in the sky, and was the light was reflecting off the marina in such a picturesque way.

it’s very seldom that i see light do amazing things like that, so i asked josh to explain to me how light works. all of the scientific terminology kind of made my head spin, but from what i understood, the fusion of atoms creates varying wavelengths, and each wavelength translates to a different shade of color. and according to josh, trees aren’t really green. he kind of lost me on that one. but wow, science must be okay if it can explain how something so beautiful happens.

the daylight was fading, so we decided to keep moving and try to find a place where we could watch the sun set. we kept driving north and when we got a little past marysville, we saw a sign for camano island, which sounded infinitely promising. we turned off and drove so many miles, through lots of trees and on winding roads and over dipping hills, to get to the beach front. the road signs were really ambiguous and i was frustrated and stressed, but once we got onto the beach, all of that melted and i was just speechless at how gorgeous my surroundings were. the sun had just set, and the mountains were outlined in blue, with yellow reflecting off of the water.

it was one of those moments where i felt so big and so small at the same time. i felt like all of the intellectual torture i subject myself to in trying to figure out the universe was meaningless, because i was looking at something beautiful, and i didn’t care if i understood why it was beautiful or if i knew it was beautiful. it just was, and i believed it.

three cheers for spiritual experience through nature!

i don’t think yesterday could have been any better. seeing amazing things with one of my favorite people, driving at high speeds whilst smoking and listening to good music, having good conversations and hugging the silences. yes, it was a very good day.

the swing of things.

i’ve completed the first week of this quarter with relative ease. it is going to be exponentially better than last quarter.

i never thought i could get so jazzed about math, but i really like my math class. maybe because the prof is gets so excited when he talks about euler circuits and paths, and because he accepts that all of us are in the class because we have to be and is doing is best to make this as painless as possible. we get three or four problems every night for homework, and i can usually complete them in ten minutes. this makes me feel absurdly brilliant.

i still don’t have a bed. the air mattress isn’t working for me so well.

isn’t it kind of incredible how so many things come full circle? i’m beginning to realize how often life is all about inertia, a constant forward motion, but moves you back toward the place you started from.

a picture:

i took this in a cemetery. notice that a lot of the fingers are broken off. i think it’s beautiful and incredibly hopeful.

new year’s resolutions.

i don’t really believe in new year’s resolutions; it’s just another opportunity to fail to live up to expectations. the few times that i’ve made resolutions, i always break them. some resolutions i will not be keeping this year:

+ quit smoking.
+ drink fewer than five cups of coffee per day.
+ spend less time on my hair.
+ stop biting my nails.
+ start exercising.
+ lose fifteen pounds.
+ floss my teeth daily.
+ stop being afraid to say what’s on my mind.
+ live in the present, and stop worrying about the future.
+ learn to say no.
+ take more chances.
+ let myself fall in love.

this will be a year of tobacco inhaling, extreme coffee drinking, narcissism, anxiety, laziness, flabbiness, dirty teeth, people-pleasing, worrying, being a doormat, playing it safe, and avoiding commitment… sounds like just another year in the life.

viva la 2009!